I worked mornings at a dental practice and cleaned an insurance office at night.
Most days, I barely had enough energy to eat dinner before falling asleep.
Joel learned to make his own sandwiches before he’d mastered multiplication.
Sometimes, he noticed things I wished he wouldn’t.
“Mom, why don’t you ever buy new shoes?”
I looked down at the worn sneakers on my feet.
“These still have plenty of
life left.”
He pointed toward the sole.
“But there’s a hole.”
I smiled.
“That’s extra ventilation, sweetheart.”
He laughed.
But I could tell he wasn’t convinced.
The hardest part wasn’t the money.
It was watching Joel slowly realize that his father wasn’t coming back.
At first, he asked about Nathan constantly.
“Do you think Dad remembers my birthday?”
“Of course he does.”
“Then why didn’t he call?”
I forced myself to smile.
“Maybe something important came up.”
Each time I made an excuse, a little part of me felt worse.
I knew Nathan had our phone number.
He knew where we lived.
He knew when Joel’s birthday was.
But I couldn’t bring myself to tell my little boy that his father simply wasn’t making the effort.
I thought protecting him from that truth was an act of kindness.
Eventually, Joel stopped asking.
I told myself that meant he was healing.
Looking back, I wonder whether he’d simply learned not to expect an answer.
There was one object from our marriage I remembered particularly well.
A wristwatch I’d given Nathan for our anniversary.
It had a silver bracelet and a distinctive blue dial.
I’d saved money for six months to afford it.
On the back, I’d paid extra to have a message engraved.
“Always your home. S.”
At the time, I believed those words represented a promise.
I had no idea how bitterly ironic they would become.
Six months after Nathan disappeared, a woman named Ivy moved into a house three doors down from ours.
She was older, lived alone, and seemed eager to become part of the neighborhood.
She told me her daughter and granddaughter lived in another city.
At first, Ivy appeared wonderfully kind.
She occasionally baked cookies for Joel.
She offered to watch him if I needed help.
And when money became especially tight, she even lent me small amounts to cover groceries and bills.
